Water Caltrop

Have you ever been to a Toys 'R' Us? You know when you're three aisles away from the section with all the Nerf guns? You're literally sixty feet away and can already hear the deafening roar of thirty little snots making ray gun noises that sound like a hybrid between a 70's space laser and a neighing horse. The look on those kids' faces rests somewhere between climbing the rope in gym class and descending the stairs on Christmas morning. In other words, sheer bliss.

Now imagine a 6'5" kid in a coat and tie after work in an Asian market that spies a large cardboard box filled to the brim with what looks to be medieval throwing stars. It took some serious restraint not to start going Ninja Gaiden on everyone, putting on a clinic, and showcasing my skillz, but somehow I survived. But you can bet your bottom dollar I was happy to find a new odd food that could double as a weapon.

While not exactly the same, water caltrop are the same species as water chestnuts, those crunchy, off-white nuggets you often see in Chinese stir-fry. Caltrop, however, isn't served neatly sliced or diced in an 8-ounce can with a bastardized Asian brand name. It has been primarily cultivated in China for thousands of years and used in pastries, served steamed or boiled from street vendors, and even as a remedy for inebriation. FYI: Michael Knight obstains from water caltrop.

Straight from the Weird Sister's cauldron.

Holy blanking blank, right? No, these taurine (or is it more bat-like?) shells are not occult paraphernalia. The last time I saw an aquatic nut this scary, Hurricane Katrina looters were at large. In all honesty, I had every right to be a little hesitant to cook water caltrop. A real concern I had was the possibility of fasciolopsiasis that occurs when consuming raw or undercooked water caltrop. This unpronounceable condition is a disease caused by a particularly disgusting worm. (Sidenote: the possibility of fatal illnesses is becoming increasingly common with the foods I'm making.) I stopped reading about the condition when I noticed that the symptoms might include such macabre treats like diarrhea and abdominal distension. Oh, and let's not forget liver failure. My remedy for any situation where I'm wary of food poisoning or the occasional parasite is to boil the living Bejesus out of whatever I'm cooking. So, who's hungry?

Boiled Water Caltrop

20 water caltrop

2 star anise

1/3 C sugar

pinch salt

Bring a pot of water to a boil. Add all ingredients and boil for 25 minutes. Peel the shells and remove the nut.

Okay, the flavor is about as monotonous as the recipe suggests. Water caltrop tastes like lightly candied American chestnuts. I was a little disappointed by its lackluster nature, to be honest. But if you like the dry, sweet and starchy taste of chestnuts sealed inside of menacing packages that were clearly created by Chinese bad guys, water caltrop is the thing for you!

Next post: White fungus